


Letters to a Dead Boy

by Splashy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Connor is dead, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-08 03:16:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14095971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Splashy/pseuds/Splashy
Summary: The letters are crumpled and the ink is stained and smeared, as if someone had bunched it up while crying. In some places, words and phrases were crossed out, sometimes vehemently.





	Letters to a Dead Boy

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this on my phone while heading to South Carolina for a vacation

May 20, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

~~My therapist suggested I write these to you in hopes they'll help. I'm not sure anything can help the pain you've caused.~~

We're almost to graduation. You'd have probably gotten a kick out of seeing how little energy all of the seniors have. Everyone just can't wait. I guess I can't either. ~~Would have been better with you, though.~~

Sincerely,  
Me

 

June 10, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

It's official. We're no longer seniors. 

~~I miss you~~

Sincerely,  
Me

 

June 20, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

I got a job at Pottery Barn. I'm going to need all the money I can get to pay for college. ~~Your parents~~ Cynthia and Larry have offered to pay for some of it. My mom denied, but I don't think we'll have much of a choice. We need whatever we can get.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

June 25, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

Zoe came in today. My mom finally caved and let them give us the money. It looks like I'll be able to start college this year. I guess it's a good thing I applied to a few colleges.

I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready. Things have been getting harder. I don't think my medication has been working lately. 

Sincerely,  
Me

 

July 4, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

I don't know if I can do this

Sincerely,  
Me

 

August 17, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

I'm starting college today. It's not too far from home, but I still have a dorm. I don't know if I want to see my roommate. What if they don't like me? What if they hate me? What if they're mean? What if they pretend to be nice but actually aren't? ~~What if they remind me of you?~~

Sincerely,  
Me

 

August 20, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

My roommate is nice. His name is Miles. From what I can tell, he has a boyfriend named Chris who goes to a different college. I haven't told him about you yet. I don't know if I can.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

August 22, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

Classes start today. I'm majoring in environmental science. That's probably no surprise to you, though. I need to get going if I want to make it to my first class on time. Miles has already left for his. He's majoring in game design. It seems cool, I guess. We haven't talked much.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

August 27, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

Classes have been fine. I'm scared to write these notes when Miles is in the room. I don't know how I would tell him about you. And I don't know how he'd react. He's visiting Chris now. I might just stop with these letters. They're not helping. ~~Why would they help?~~

Sincerely,  
Me

 

September 20th, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

It's been a month since I got to college and the workload is already so much. I don't think my anxiety has ever been this bad. I have assignments I need to do but I can't do them ~~and Miles can tell he's judging me because he's able to stay on top of things and not stress over every stupid little thing that happens and~~

 

September 23, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

Miles walked in on me writing that note and the anxiety attack I had. I think he read the letter. I don't know if he read any others, but he's been acting differently. I know I need to tell him about you at some point. But how?

Sincerely,  
Me

 

September 25, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

I told him. I told him everything. I told him about you, what you did, and about my anxiety. He seemed to take it well. He said he wouldn't disturb me writing these to you and he'd help if my anxiety ever got too bad.

He's a pretty good guy. I think you'd like him.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

October 6, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

Things have gotten better. I think. It's hard to tell. I've been kind of numb lately. 

Sincerely,  
Me

 

October 9, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

Happy one year anniversary.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

October 15, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

I'm going home for the weekend. I haven't had a chance to since the workload has been so bad. Miles offered to give me a ride. He said he'd take me there and pick me up tomorrow. He's really nice, and we've been talking more than before. He makes me miss you, though.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

October 30, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

It's almost Halloween. All I can think about is last Halloween. I miss it. I miss being with you and watching horror movies. Miles is with Chris. ~~I'm so lonely.~~

Sincerely,  
Me

 

November 5, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

I'm not really sure what to say in these letters anymore. I've been going to my classes and doing the work whenever I can. I've maybe made a friend. His name is Alex. He's kind of like the opposite of you. Pastel colors. He really likes flowers.

He also has a boyfriend.

~~Everyone I meet just makes me think of you.~~

Sincerely,  
Me

 

November 24, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

It's Thanksgiving. Mom was too busy this week but Miles said I could go with him to his house. Chris is there too. This is the first time I've met him. He's nice, but sort of intimidating. But he and Miles are a good match. ~~I wonder if they would have thought that about us.~~

Sincerely,  
Me

 

December 15, 2016  
Dear Connor Murphy,

Everyone is getting way too hyped up about Christmas. I told Miles I was Jewish so he tries not to talk about Christmas too much. I told him it didn't bother me that much, but he insisted. At least he's supportive.

Finals are almost over. I can't wait.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

January 1, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy,

Happy New years. You would've lived another year.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

January 5, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy,

Happy birthday. ~~You should have been here. You shouldn't have left me. This is your special day. I can't stop thinking about you. Why'd you do it? Why did you leave me?~~

Sincerely,  
Me

 

January 17, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy,

College is back in full swing. I miss the break we had. It was nice. Would have been better with you.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

February 14, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy,

Happy Valentine's day. Miles is with Chris. I just wish you were here.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

March 3, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy,

Things are going ok. I didn't take as many classes this semester so the workload isn't as bad.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

March 25, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy,

~~Things aren't ok~~

Sincerely,  
Me

 

April 10, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy

I had to visit my therapist. I haven't needed to in a while because I've been fine. Or I thought I had been. I don't know what happened. ~~I never know what happened~~

Sincerely,  
Me

 

April 20, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy,

College is getting closer and closer to the end. I've almost survived a whole year. I've made a few friends, and know some from their friends. But none of them compare to you. 

A lot of them are wanting to organize a party to celebrate. Miles is insisting I go. I don't know if I want to.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

May 5, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy,

I've decided to go. It won't be for some time yet, though. Still need to finish finals. And then we'll be free.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

May 15, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy,

It's been a year since you died. Things haven't gotten better. I still miss you. I still want you back.

~~Please come back~~

Sincerely,  
Me

 

May 20, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy,

The party is today. I don't know what to expect. I've never gone to a college party. I've tried to avoid them. I don't want to do something I'll regret.

Sincerely,  
Me

May 21, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy,

I shouldn't have gone.

~~I kissed a boy. He reminded me of you. He reminded me too much of you it's too much I can't take this I can't take it I can't take it I miss you why'd you leave me why~~

Sincerely,  
Me

 

May 25, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy,

I'm dating the boy I kissed. His name is Leo. He's kind and funny. ~~He doesn't compare to you though. Nobody does.~~

I think if you could have met him you'd have liked him. ~~I'm sorry~~

Sincerely,  
Me

 

June 15, 2017  
Dear Connor Murphy,

I can't do these anymore. It hurts. It reminds me of you. I just think about you and then I can't stop and it's only getting worse. I'm trying to hold onto these memories of you but I can't. I can't do this anymore. 

Everything I see reminds me of you. All these couples. If I want to move on, I have to stop thinking of you. I have to get rid of these memories.

So maybe I'll just...let go of them.

Goodbye

~~I love you~~

**Author's Note:**

> Prepare for a multichap fic in a couple of weeks I got two ideas for a deh fic while on the way to SC and ofc I have no laptop or anything. I'll actually be planning it on my phone and will write it when I get home


End file.
